You know that movie with Fred Savage and Judge Reinholt where the father and son temporarily switch bodies after some crazy mishap or curse? I loved that movie growing up. I always thought it would be cool to switch roles with my mom for a few days so she would know how hard it is to be a kid. The other night I was thinking how naive I was back then to think I could ever survive in such a situation. Allow me to share with you a list of reasons I would die in less than a week if I were to ever switch bodies with my mother…
The moment I woke up and noticed I had a vag, I’m pretty sure my body would violently convulse until my organs, ovaries and all, ceased to function. And let’s just hope I don’t make it to a mirror before this happens. Dead in a week, systematic organ failure.
2. Personal Hygiene
Say by some miracle I realized I was in my mother’s body and didn’t stab myself in the throat immediately with a broken mirror. Ok. How am I gonna bathe and do all that is necessary to keep this body clean and healthy? I’m not undressing my mother and lathering her up in the shower. Fuck you, buddy. I’d be willing to run through a car wash with my clothes on, stand out in the rain, or maybe even get into a water balloon fight with some of the neighborhood children. But I don’t believe that would suffice for a woman of her age. Dead in a week, wallowing in filth.
3. Waste Management
Go to the bathroom? No, sir. Again, I’m not touching or exposing anything above the elbows or knees. Dead in a week, floating in feces.
It’s the most powerful drug in the world. I mean, the shit makes you cry and grow boobies. After 28yrs of being exposed to only small amounts of it, I’m sure my psyche couldn’t handle an instant tidal wave of the stuff, with all the emotions and physical effects that accompany it. Dead in a week, drowning in a pool of tears over a broken nail.
No need for details. Dead in a week with blue ovaries.
In summation, I’m glad my mother isn’t aware of this URL and if she ever finds this, I’ll be dead in a week from massive blood loss and head trauma.